My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
