o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
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I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
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i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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