i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
