Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
