On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Life is so much better after having sex.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
