Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
