yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
