It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
