This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
