is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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