she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
