just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
