turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
