mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
