UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
