I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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