can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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