Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
