listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
