i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
