My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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