I met the friendliest cop last night
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
