He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
