Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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