Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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