I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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