Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
