Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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