Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
