There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
