I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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