FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
