your parents love me but you hate me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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