I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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