I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
