Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
