I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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