Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
