Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
