I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
