i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
