My sheets look like a crime scene.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
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You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
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He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.