I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
