my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
