every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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