I didn't shave. On purpose
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
