I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
