his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
