he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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