I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
