I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
