Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
