I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
