god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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