anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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