census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
