so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
false alarm, still single
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
