Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
