so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
