My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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