my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
